jokes

I Found Aaladin's Lamp,
I Asked Him 2 Increase All Girls brain Ten Times More..
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He Laughed ROFL & told-

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Multiplication Does Not Apply On Zero





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Father: Beta!
Tu ne Engineering K 4 Saalon Mein Sb Se Mushkil Kaam Kon Sa Seekha. ?
.?
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?.
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Son: Bus Ki Chatt Pe baith K....Tez Hawaon Mein 1Teeli Se 3 Cigarette Jalana....!



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Ek baar santa prabhu ki tapasya main doob gaye...Santa ki tapasya se khush hokar prabhu bole
Prabhu - "VAR MANGO VATS"
Santa - Prabhu!! Jaisa aap soch rahe ho main waisa nahi hun...
MUJHE VADHU CHAHIYE!

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varialble

Local variable: Jeena Yahan Marna Yahan, Iske siva Jana kaahan..
2. Global variable: Musafir hoon yaaron, na ghar hai na thikana..
3. Null pointers: Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya .
4. The debugger: Jab koi baat bigad jaye Jab koi mushkil pad jaye Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.
5. Unexpected bug (esp. during presentation to client): Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua.
6. And then to the client: Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho.
7. Load Balancing: Saathi haath badhana ek akela thak jayega mil kar bojh uthana.
8. Modem - talk on a busy connection: suno - kaho, kaha - suna, kuch huwa kya? Abhee to nahin... kuch bi nahin.
9. Two Recursive functions calling each other: Mujhe kuchh kehna hein mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein pehle tum, pehle tum.
10. Hidden or Private scope Variable/value: Jaanejan .. dhoondta phir raha, Hoon tujhe raat din, main yahan se wahan.

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Smile
Smile is not a single word
Its a beautiful sentence
'S' peak
'M' ore
'I' n
'L'ess
'E' nergy

So Always Smile....


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Mad: What is the name of your car?
Dad: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Mad: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
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Interviewer : "We need someone, who will be responsible for the job."
Candidate : "Sir your search ends here!
Interviewer : How ? Will you
Candidate : In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."
Interviewer : ??????

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Man 1 : How do two programmers make money?
Man 2 : One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

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If two twin happen in s/w engineer house

if twins born in software engineer's house means what will be name?



guess????



Ans: copy and paste


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Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."

Wife???: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife???: But I told you in the morning!
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife???: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found ...

Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...

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Soldier: Sir we are surrounded from all sides by enemies ...
Major: EXCELLENT ! we can attack in any Direction.

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Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.



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Boy to Girl
BOY- CHALTE CHALTE YUNHI RUK JATA HOON MAIN
BAITHE BAITHE KAHI KHO JATA HOON MAIN
KYA YEHI PYAR HAI
GIRL- NHI YE KAMZORI HAI SUBAH SHAAM GLUCOSE PIYA KARO.../



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Deadlock


The Boss asked to his secretary : This week we are going abroad.so make arrangements.
Secretary makes call to her husband : This week My Boss and I will be going abroad. so take care of Yourself.
Husband makes call to his secret lover : My wife is going abroad this week.So we can spend this together.
Secret lover makes call to the small boy to whom she gives private tution and told :This week I have some urgent work so there will not be any classes this week and you need not come this week.
The small boy makes call to his grandfather : Grandpa this week there will not be any classes as my teacher has some urgent work.so we can spend this week together.
Grandfather (The Boss)makes call to his secretary : cancel the trip as I will spend this week with my grandson. We will not attend that meeting.

The Secretary makes call to her husband : Sorry My boss has cancelled the trip.so I will not go abroad this week.

The husband makes call to his secret lover : sorry my wife has cancelled her trip. so we will not be able to spend this week together.

The secret lover calls to the small boy : There will be classes as usual this week also.
The small boy makes call to his grandfather (The Boss): Grandpa sorry,There will be classes as usual this week also.so I will not spend this week together.
The Boss makes call to his secretary :We will attend that meeting .so make arrangements.
What is this??
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
This is deadlock!!!!!



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Employee: Boss, Now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occuring outside the company..!


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Philosophy of life
At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!


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Teacher : why you are sleeping in the class ? Tum School kisliye ate ho ?
Student : Vidya k liye sir.
Teacher : To tum so kyu rahe ho ?
Student : Sir, aj Vidya absent hai na .......!

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Mahabharat



Krishna:
Arjun, Try to respect the e-mails of your colleagues.

Arjun:
But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders who are logged on to honourable domains ?

Krishna:
Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes. They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun:
Murari ! After seeing all this, I feel like resigning from the company itself

Krishna:
Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are commited to none. Junk mails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep sending junk mails.

Arjun:
But Devaki Nandan...........!

Krishna:
...Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru Dronacharya.

Arjun:
Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the 'system'?

Krishna:
Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware. However, it is another matter that it overloads the system... fills up the hard disk....but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another, likewise these junk mails move from system to system.

Arjun:
How can one define junk mail?

Krishna:
Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it... neither it can be conquered nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev... Junk mails are immortal.

Arjun:
Hey Narayan! Now all my doubts on junk mail are crystal clear. You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, or else I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.

........... MAHAAABHAAAAARAT ............

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About me : I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")

Relationship status : what?

Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.

Age : 10111

Here for: web browsing in company hours.

Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity : Programmer.

Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor : weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking : The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog. J

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri.com , http://jobsahead.com ß - Isnt it Ultimate???

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows : can't afford one.

Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of Home.

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Propossing girl in programming way
#include

#include

#include

#include

#define Cute beautiful_lady



main()

{

goto college;

scanf("100%" ,&ladies);



if(lady ==Cute)

line++;

while( !reply )

{

printf("I Love U");

scanf("100%" ,&reply);

}



if(reply == "GAALI")

main(); // go back and repeat the process



else if(reply == "SANDAL ")

exit(1);



else if(reply == "I Love U")

{

lover =Cute ;

love = (heart*)malloc( sizeof(lover) );

}



goto restaurant;



restaurant:

{

food++;

smile++;

pay->money = lover->money;

return(college) ;

}



if(time==2.30)

goto cinema;



cinema:

{

watch++;



if(intermission)

{

coke++;

Popecorn++;

}

}

}

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Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married" .
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Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
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Boss : I am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??
how much is DRIVING salary...?
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A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating. ......
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